Worried
I'm worried.
The joy and surprise of finding out that I'm pregnant has settled into a dull roar. Don't get me wrong - I am ecstatic - it's just that it's hard to sustain that initial excitement when the only signs that you're actually pregnant are exhaustion and enormous knockers.
My doctor has me returning to the fertility clinic every other day for more blood tests. This is making me uneasy. I know that it's routine, but it's like they keep checking - just one more time to be sure. Makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't be sure. Or that they are expecting something untoward to happen. Nobody's told me this - it's just my brain rambling.
Meanwhile, I am really disgusted with work. The j.o.b. is fine, but the rest of my work life is totally out of control. I am constantly doing one thing while worrying about another. I am overcommitted to the extreme, and people keep calling.
The thing is, it isn't fun anymore. Back in the early days of doing this full time, I had all the time in the world. The whole reason I started this company was to be able to relax when I needed to relax. My health necessitated that. But now I'm working all the time, or pretending to.
Pretending to is more like it. Because when I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I do everything in my power to avoid working. Like yesterday. Sure, it was the fourth of July. I could have decided not to work and taken the day to recharge. Or, I could have decided to work and really punched it. Instead, I stayed in a kind of no man's land - worrying about how I should be working while wasting time with mindless distractions, like television and too much sleep. That was probably the least helpful thing I could have done, but I couldn't pull myself out of it. I couldn't force myself to work, but I couldn't let go of the idea that I should be working.
I told Dave this morning that I've just about had it. I either need to find a way to make this fun again, or I need to start thinking about doing something else. Sigh.
The joy and surprise of finding out that I'm pregnant has settled into a dull roar. Don't get me wrong - I am ecstatic - it's just that it's hard to sustain that initial excitement when the only signs that you're actually pregnant are exhaustion and enormous knockers.
My doctor has me returning to the fertility clinic every other day for more blood tests. This is making me uneasy. I know that it's routine, but it's like they keep checking - just one more time to be sure. Makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't be sure. Or that they are expecting something untoward to happen. Nobody's told me this - it's just my brain rambling.
Meanwhile, I am really disgusted with work. The j.o.b. is fine, but the rest of my work life is totally out of control. I am constantly doing one thing while worrying about another. I am overcommitted to the extreme, and people keep calling.
The thing is, it isn't fun anymore. Back in the early days of doing this full time, I had all the time in the world. The whole reason I started this company was to be able to relax when I needed to relax. My health necessitated that. But now I'm working all the time, or pretending to.
Pretending to is more like it. Because when I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I do everything in my power to avoid working. Like yesterday. Sure, it was the fourth of July. I could have decided not to work and taken the day to recharge. Or, I could have decided to work and really punched it. Instead, I stayed in a kind of no man's land - worrying about how I should be working while wasting time with mindless distractions, like television and too much sleep. That was probably the least helpful thing I could have done, but I couldn't pull myself out of it. I couldn't force myself to work, but I couldn't let go of the idea that I should be working.
I told Dave this morning that I've just about had it. I either need to find a way to make this fun again, or I need to start thinking about doing something else. Sigh.
posted by babyoog at 7:47 AM
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3 Comments:
lumpy. are you listening?
deep breath... let it out.
breathe some more.
relax. you always embrace the "whatever will be, will be," and you're good at it.
and doctors like to freak us out, so just breathe.
I was right about the sore boobs...
Don’t worry about the tests - they are jsut checking everything is progressing normally. Being chemically pregnant and getting to 12 weeks are different things.
When I got pregnant with my first it was like I was instantly pitched forward into this state of nervousness and discontent. I felt a bit like you're feeling now.
To echo Jen, deep breath.
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