Have I got a job for you!

WANTED

The United States of America has an immediate and ongoing need for thoughtful, intelligent men and women to serve at the highest levels of the executive, legislative and judicial branches of the federal government. Candidates must have a sincere interest in the welfare of all people, including those who live outside the candidates' political jurisdictions.

Recognizing that the government exists to serve the people (and not the other way around), the incumbent may be required to work in excess of 40 hours per week, including the days immediately before and/or after established federal holidays. This position includes the customary two weeks paid vacation.

Primary responsibilities of this position include the health and welfare of the citizens of the United States of America. Recognizing that many Americans have a high degree of intelligence and personal power, the incumbent will not seek to overstep his or her authority by dictating how local affairs should be handled. For example, the incumbent will not seek to amass huge numbers of tax dollars only to withhold them from municipalities that do not adhere to vague and inconsistent standards.

The successful candidate will seek to simplify the federal government whenever possible. The incumbent will work with his or her colleagues to find ways to reduce the number of government departments, agencies and offices by a substantial margin. Power will revert to the states and local municipalities who understand their own affairs intimately and are better positioned to address problems as they arise.

Successful candidates will have a strong and abiding interest in other cultures and will seek to understand and learn from (i.e., not crush and destroy) them. The incumbent will serve as an ambassador to the world, promoting the idea that the United States respects all people and intends to support their health and well-being by sharing its knowledge, especially any nutritional and medical knowledge or techniques that may lessen the suffering of others.

This position includes profit and loss responsibility. Therefore, a track record of personal fiscal responsibility is paramount. Credit references are required.

Above all, this position requires a willingness to work with others to develop win-win solutions to pressing problems. Creativity is a must. Weak compromises will not be tolerated.

To apply, post your resume here.

Experiment

A few nights ago, we conducted an experiment, born of necessity. You see, Mommy had a stomachache, i.e. a fairly nasty 24 hour bug.

Because it was bedtime and she had just finished yakking, Mommy asked Daddy to take the boy up and get him to bed, then promptly passed out on the couch. Forty-five minutes later, she woke to the sound of screaming. It was Sam. He was screaming, "Mommy!"

Okay. First of all, I want to point out that my husband tried valiantly to soothe the boy and get him to go to sleep. He turned down the lights, fed him, talked to him - everything mommy does. He kept at it for three quarters of an hour while our 4-month-old screamed "mommy" and mommy did not come. Operationally, we call this "an eternity."

Secondly, it really does sound like "Mommy!" Even though I'm pretty sure that's impossible.

Anyway, when I finally regained consciousness, I promptly threw up. Right after that, I ran upstairs to rescue Dave from our screaming son. I found Sam lying on our bed next to Dave, bloated from the bottle Dave had been trying to feed him, still screaming. Dave looked at me wearily. "I think he wants Mommy," he said. God bless that man.

So what to do? I couldn't feed him anymore. He was already puffed up like a blowfish. So I got the pacifier, took him to the night-time feeding chair, and held him until he fell asleep. This took 4.2 seconds. Then I gingerly placed him in his crib and silently pulled the door closed on my way back downstairs.

So that about sums up the whole mommy experience. No breaks, but who needs 'em?

Being mom

Dave says kids are a pain in the ass.

He's right, you know. Kids are a pain in the ass. They don't sleep when you want them to. They don't eat when you want them to. They don't poop when you want them to. The get bored with their toys and they cry for no apparent reason. They demand to be picked up when you can barely pick yourself up. They are wonderful with you only to scream randomly in front of other people, notably your mother. Kids are a pain in the ass.

They're also totally worth it.