Sunday, June 29, 2008

I can't sleep

Just felt like telling someone.

Friday, June 27, 2008

News Flash! (duh)

File this one under "Too Much Information."

So the thing is, I have crappy self-esteem. I know. News flash! Whatever.

Because I have crappy self-esteem, I have a hard time believing that anyone actually likes me. Moreover, when I get the idea that someone actually does like me, then I act like a complete idiot by being up his or her craw all the damn time, and by obsessing over every little conversation, trying to discern whether or not I am in fact liked.

Often, this results in copious amounts of screaming and running away. On the part of the other person.

I know it's not attractive to constantly ask people if they really like me and why. I mean, if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd be all, "Why do you keep asking me that? Either believe me or don't, but quit asking!"

Eventually, I'd probably run away screaming.

So why can't I get over it? This girl who has never felt like she fit in? Not for a single day in her whole life?

Don't other people have some objective thoughts about themselves? Don't other people believe that they are inherently likable?

Maybe the fact that I'm looking outside myself for the answer is precisely the problem.

Also, I'm 99% sure I found Randy, but he hasn't called me back. I don't know why. Could be a million reasons, I guess. I hope it's one of the more benign ones. For now, I guess there's nothing to do but let it go. :(

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Sam the Eagle

I just found out Sam the Eagle died.

No, not the muppet...the English professor who reminded Ingrid and me of Sam the Eagle because of the way he would stare off into space while formulating pithy, but relevant, remarks.
Sam the Eagle was likely to spill coffee on your paper while grading it. Once, when returning a heavily stained 3-pager, he said, "Ann, sorry about the coffee. It doesn't mean I liked it."

Sam the Eagle was in love with Emily Dickinson and would pause while discussing her poetry, as if reminiscing. Ingrid and I calculated that he was actually old enough to have had an affair with her.

My senior year, I wrote my honors thesis on Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses. Sam the Eagle was my seminar advisor. He scolded me for not having enough references. Then he congratulated me on my paper.

He was 84.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I can't believe I lifted the whole thing

Today I was totally frustrated because I just could NOT figure out this flash thing. I worked all day on it and got NOWHERE. Then I had to go see Shaprina.

Shaprina is my trainer. She has been kicking my butt for two months. I love her for it. I almost (almost) like exercising. Well, I like chasing my kid around the playground without getting all tired and out of breath. Hell, I've had more fun on playgrounds in the past month than I've had in my entire life!

Also, I really, really like having biceps.

So, the point is that I was really frustrated and full of adreneline and cortisol and lots of other nasties, and it transformed me into a TOTAL BEAST at the gym. I was cranking on the elliptical and wasn't even out of breath. Shaprina put 40 pounds on the cable for a triceps press and I said, "I can't lift that!" She said, "Quit cryin'."

So I did it. And 15 reps later, I said, "I can do more."

I know I sound like a total gym rat, which is really not part of my self concept, but I hereby give myself permission to be a little bit of a jock because, dammit, I rock.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I know I know

I've been gone forever. I'm a terrible person. Etc.

Today, Sam said "Mommy."

I feel the need to clarify. He said "Mommy!" and when he said it, he was talking about me.

At dinner, I was reading the paper while Dave shoveled Cream of Rice in the kid's face. We played a game. Sam shouted "Mommy!" and I peeked out from behind the paper. He got really good at it. He yelled Mommy about 112 times, and I didn't mind at all.

I think I found Randy.